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Life in Dave's World ...

I had a dream that I was President and my name was Bill ... Thank the Lord I awoke !
Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "And if you were my wife I would drink it"


Cheers
to all you Libs!

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.  It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.  What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him.  Good grief, woman.  You don't need him anymore.  You're a United States' Senator from New York.  Act like one!

 

Absolute Dreadful Thought ... but there is still hope!

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT in January 2009


Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.  She has waited sooooo... long.
The ghost of George Washington appears ... and Hillary asks,
"How can I best serve my country?"
 Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... again
Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,  "Listen to the people."
"Ooohhh!  I really don't want to do that," she replies.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary asks again, "How can I best serve my country, 'ol Abe?"
Lincoln hesitates just a second and says, "Go to the theater, my dear."

John will be there?

"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
 

    and this from ..... The South

Tennessee ... that is.

  The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.  He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"    

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

and from
Alabama ...      

  A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

 
 "Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

  "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.      

 "A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

 
Louisiana  logic ...     

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."  When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

and
Georgia on my mind ... is there a mind?

  A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75.  The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina ... slang?

   A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bucket of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

  Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.  

  The man replied, "I have a flat tire." 

  The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

  The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."

And this from South Carolina

  "You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the North!   ... and that's the truth!
Democrat? Republican? or Southern Republican

 

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away? 

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Is he gay?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

 

and another true story about HILLARY ....

A man washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.  That evening the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

 
  A Christmas Legend - Santa's Bad Day 
 
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for 
his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.  Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. 
 
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit.  This stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where.  More stress. 
 
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toybag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys.  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.  Just then the doorbell rang and very irritable Santa trudged to the door. 
 
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn't it a lovely day? 
I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it? 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. The end.

 

Speaking of things in small places here is story about the Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic ... It's important to have back up job skills...


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.  He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.  When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said "during the exam, you took the engine a part perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sign in a Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist Pate': $5.00

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ''Why such a price difference for the Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of crap, it takes all morning!

  

In First Class Only
 
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country.  After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.  The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.  The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too.  I didn't know we got a choice."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a Moral to this Story ??
 
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.  The lizard looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke some joints together.  After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.  A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.  He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.  He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

After he ate the lizard, the inquisitive crocodile thinks to himself  he has to check this out.  He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a
joint.  He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY, come on down!"

The Monkey looks down and says,

"GEEEEEEEEE, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Advantages of Breast Milk"

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.  The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write?  He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

   1. No need to boil.
   2. Never goes sour.
   3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe.  But the exam demanded a fourth answer.  Again, what to write?  Once more, he sighed.  He frowned.  He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened.  He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

   4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

Would you believe he received an A ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Indian Love Call

 
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo!  Wooooo!  Wooooo!"  He called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo!  Wooooo!  Wooooo!"  He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?"

"No," said the other Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo!  Wooooo!  Wooooo!" into the opening.  If they get an answer back, it means there is squaw in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave.  The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.  As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man!  Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.  There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!  WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Kentucky Gazette Newspaper read...

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE MALE BAR- B- QUE

 
BBQ -- It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beverage in hand.

Here comes the important part .....

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beverage while he deals with the situation.

Important again ....

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most of all ....

10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed, "her night off?"  And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes ...

 that there's just no pleasing some women!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite Sonny, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Lesson in Why We Speak English

 
A U.S. Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.  At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.  He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans worked it out several years ago so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.
 
Something to Offend Everyone
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"


What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

 
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

 
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

 
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
 
 
The New Husband Store ...

A trendy new store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, this nice woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store.

So, naturally across the street a New Wives Store opens.

The new wives store opened just like the Husband Store.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited....  ??


This cartoon  is not yet prohibited by the politically correct .... but soon will be.
Enjoy it and other things at NEACA.com ... substituting dastardly deeds and humungous humor daily to thwart correctness on a daily basis.  ....aaaand where you can even buy GUNS!

 

 

 

 

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