World History - As it Really Happened
Humans originally existed as members in small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer and berries in the mountains during the summer and traveled to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the winter. During this time the two most important events in all history occurred, the invention of Beer and then the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to more easily get man to the beer.
These then, were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered and grain was required, that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented they simply stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men then eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Several noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy also group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals, even though they are similar to parasites, eventually were symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home interior designers, dreamers and actors in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because they found it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They still eat red meat, sometimes cooked and provide for and feed their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, lumberjacks, rodeo cowboys, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. They own companies and hire other conservatives who actually want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing, however they like to govern the producers and decide what to do with that production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
And so, here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above truths before forwarding them. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will then be forwarded immediately to other true believers. And usually to more liberals just to piss them off!
Another History Lesson
Have a history teacher explain this .... if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at a theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Both Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker you don't tell the kids ...
A week before Abe Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
And a week before John F. Kennedy was shot, he was in, well ... with Marilyn Monroe.
Isn't history grand?
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