Lessons in Life ~ Worth Sharing
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Dave's Management Lesson Series for Gun Dealers ... Lesson #1 - Management Lesson #1 - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Management Lesson #2 - Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Management Lesson #3 - |
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A Woman ... It is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved."
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Lawyer School, Lesson Number One. ... Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they are not prepared for the answer. To wit: At a trial in a southern small-town, the Prosecuting Attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the witness stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. And problem is, you think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I sure know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defense Attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I sure know him!" The Defense Attorney froze and almost collapsed. The Trial Judge, visibly worried, asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots ask her whether she knows me, I will send your sorry asses to the electric chair. You hear me? Now get lost." |
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This is from a friend of mine in
Canada who makes a very hot chili to
keep him warm in the winter. One
time recently he kinda overdid the
peppers and ... well, let him tell it
....... I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to crap yourself," chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean), nothing happened. No, "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store all seemed normal, at first. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain, that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean and I'm sure at least some of you will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh, BIG Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down," if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms all the while laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand and final "assplosion" took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God," floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging my intestines. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe." I heard a gagging sound and he disgustedly moaned, "SonofaBITCH!", then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!" He then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store... Wow, Only in Canada! |
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The Wonder of an Apron I don't think our kids today know what an apron really is. Grandma's was a wonder. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When food was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to lunch or dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes. How times have changed. While Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool, now her Granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw. Use that apron today and wipe a tear about yesterday.
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Thimble in the River
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble ringed with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson." The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
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GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS
I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable - angels have walked beside me all my life - and they still do. This candle of Love, Hope and Friendship was lit on the 15th of September, 1998. Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you.
A young university student was home for the summer. She had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone.
She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked "God" to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a shortcut to her house, she decided to take it.
However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped around her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.
She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.
The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question? Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.
When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."
Moral of the story: Don't underestimate the power of Prayer!
Gives ya goose bumps, doesn't it! This is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness. Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love! May God richly bless you as you send this story on. Please keep this candle alive.
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Saving for When? I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I feel I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary; if it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. It may not come. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing, because I'll never
know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write "one of these days." Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would have added laughter and luster to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special, a Good Day to be Alive. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. Take a minute to reflect on today. Would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your life and relationships? It certainly won't be the last.
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A SPECIAL GROCERY LIST
Louise Redden was poorly dressed and walked with a look of defeat on her face as she entered the small corner grocery store. The old woman had fallen into bad times. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they sorely needed food. John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once. Visualizing her family needs, she said, "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." But John insisted he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store. Standing beside the counter was a man who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. In a very reluctant voice, the grocer asked the woman, "Do you have a grocery list?" Louise replied, "Yes sir." Thinking he was very sly, the grocer said, "Okay, put your list on my scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will GIVE you that amount in groceries." Louise hesitated a moment, with her head stilled bowed she reached into her purse, took out a piece of paper and scribbled some words. She then laid the paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed. The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it." The customer smiled and the grocer started putting groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more. The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; "It was worth every penny of it. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs."
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Here are some facts about the 1500s: According to The History Channel, during the Victorian age, people would only change a baby's diaper every four days. Whew! The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. These are very interesting... Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were beginning to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all came the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs, etc.) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." Also, there was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. So, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor", evolved. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. You guessed it, the saying of a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes a stew had the food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for about the next 400 years, tomatoes were considered to be poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle and guests got the top, or "upper-crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they woke up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, about 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth.. Now, whoever said that History was boring? |
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